He

He never trusted somebody, he never trusted even himself, and not because he didn’t wanted or could, just because people told him not to do that. Waking up each morning and looking in the mirror was nothing special, automatic shaving, automatic dressing, everything was an automatism for him. He never had somebody to love, and there so many “never” that he can portrait in his mind. He actually was thinking if he ever hoped something – did he? It was late in the night, the ceiling was white and so emptied of everything, same as him, same as his life. At the same moment he realized that he wanted something, but he didn’t knew what! Maybe he just wanted that one of the days passing over to be different, to feel something special, to be something special, to meet somebody special. He was thinking at the people he met, people that might be that somebody special, though none of them stirred up any feeling, any slightest emotion.

Staying in bed up all night, his eyes were measuring the ceiling, he knew already each inch, each non-uniformity, though he still haven’t found out the slightest idea how he could change something. The hours were passing, the sunrise already gone, then the lunch and the evening. No call the whole day, no knock in the door, no other event, just the empty walls.

Late in the evening, he finally slept but he was feeling he’s still awake, he could see in his mind the whole room, the moon crossing the sky in its way to nowhere, he could feel his breath calm and quiet, like he wasn’t breathing at all. Maybe he’s already dead, just a thought, but it’s unlikely, he still feels how his blood is circulating though veins. Maybe is just an illusion… He managed to sleep a couple of hours, his mind rambling excessively, questions coming and going, answers without questions, questions without answers. and suddenly everything stopped, like the time was hanging somewhere, like nothing ever existed at all, all space being just a dark still blue.

He remained like this for something that looked like an eternity, when out of a sudden from each corner of the unknown a strange music erupted steadily, like the asters were shouting their song. The music looked so strange but in the same time so familiar, and he was sure he never heard it before! The blue started to vibrate, waves of blue were flying synchronously around him, in something that looked at the beginning so chaotic but so full of forms; with time he could see the patterns and intuit when they will change, when something new will come into existence.

A ball of light appeared inside of his mind, tried to grab it and felt its electrical form, a slight pulsation, and another one. The ball increased its size conquering each corner of his mind, and then of his being, he became the ball and the ball became him. He was not anymore him!